My First Nude Sauna
“First we get naked but not for sex, and we drink beer, but not to get drunk.’’
Silence.
Here I was, giving safety training to Gulf Air pilot and cabin crew trainers.
I had them each give a presentation in the first couple of days to let them show how they got a message across to a group of people. They chose their topics. The air stewardess from Finland was next. Her presentation on that great Finnish institution, the sauna, was met by rapt attention, as a Finnair stewardess might, talking about sex and beer.
When I met her again in Oulu, in Finland last year, it seemed natural to finally have that sauna. My first nude sauna to be precise.
I say first nude because my first sauna was not nude and in fact was, according to the red-bearded companion who specialised in this particular form of torture; an Irish sauna. The key difference lay within the bottle of Irish whiskey, which was used to pour onto the hot coals. Instant effect — hot whiskey fumes breathed in, followed by relatively quick sobering up as the alcohol was sweated out.
Only once was enough. Not once a week, as my Irish friend did. Just once.
However, for reasons of general education, I must inform all that the nude sauna done Lappland style has a fair quota of embarrassing stages, as itemised below.
- Illustrated …as we ran out in what is apparently a crucial part of the sauna experience, but a mite too unexpected for me. Say no more.
2. Back in the sauna again, after a freezing dip in the snow, and at -18C, it is freezing. But unfortunately I cannot confirm the sauna is a good place to go to feel at ease, when sitting opposite a svelte Finnish air stewardess, after prancing around in the snow at goodness knows what freezing temperature. It just isn’t. Can’t quite place why, but when sitting opposite a person of the opposite gender of such appeal, one does want to look at their best, not frozen second best. Or third, either, for that matter.
3. And may I add that men running out of a sauna naked, diving into snow has limited sex appeal. I can just feel it. There is something the gals don’t find attractive about shrieking men…
4. Sitting naked with a nude air stewardess does have certain benefits for your health. Being flanked by two large local lads, elbows and shoulders touching, also quite naked, doesn’t.
5. Being red, gasping, sweaty and hot when the locals suffer calmly shows a certain lack of style. Getting up to get fresh air for the aforementioned reasons, tripping a bit and sliding a touch against the aforementioned elbow-touching gentleman, so that my private parts grace his knee cap somewhat caps the embarrassment scales.
6. Having a Finnish air stewardess giggle at you in the sauna for the aforementioned somewhat doubles the embarrassment level.
So if you are to embark on such an odyssey as the nude sauna, do choose your companions carefully.
She was nice about the embarrassment though.
